


Esgyrn's Adventures In Apocalypse-land

by Aranhin



Series: Esgyrn's 50 Stories [1]
Category: The Secret World
Genre: Bad Decisions, Death, Reasons Golems Are Usually Not Your Friends, Swearing, reasons carnies are not your friends, reasons clowns are not your friends, reasons monsters in general are probably not your friends and you should not try to cuddle them, reasons not to go into obviously haunted houses, reasons theme parks are also not your friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-09-08 02:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8826646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aranhin/pseuds/Aranhin
Summary: 50 stories prompt set / project, focusing on the members of the Education Protocol and their peripheral friends - mostly the shenanigans of Rhiannon "Esgyrn" Bell. Written for funsies and probably not to be taken at all seriously. Probably.Tags will be updated as I add prompts/chapters





	1. Bad Decision Making 101 -or- It’s Not That I Don’t Believe You, It’s Just That I’ve Been There

**Prompt:** 001 - Accident  
**Disclaimer:** Do Not Try This At Home  
**Comments:** Let’s be honest, Rhiannon would be a terrible Bee Parent. There’s a reason she isn’t one.  
  


* * *

 

 

“Hey! What’s that?”  
  
Rhiannon paused at the sound of Jude’s voice – quieter than it should be if he were right behind her like he was supposed to be – and looked up from her phone. She’d been midway through composing a text message to him, because the prat was set on not knowing sign language (any country’s sign language, at all) even though having taken the bee should have endowed him with a gift for languages the way it had with every other Bee she’d met. The text particularly said that there was little point in killing the Golems between the junkyard and the Kingsmouth airport – and what was Jude doing when her eyes finally found him?  
  
Running head-long into a Mudslinger Golem.  
  
She stood on the high way and watched him do it, the giant mud and metal creature swelling up from its dormant lump-state to its full height and lumbering toward him. And he – perhaps now realizing his mistake – slowed to a stop, took a few cautious steps back, and then dodged out of its Muck Throw.  
  
She should probably help him.  
  
But he was dodging, and he was healing himself somewhat successfully, and what little damage he was currently capable of doing should have been enough. They’d be here for a while, but…  
  
Maybe it would be good for him to learn his limits. Maybe he actually would, and she wouldn’t have to spend half of her time warning him away from running off on his own or giving him ‘I told you so’ looks when he died – which he, apparently, didn’t interpret correctly. Because of course he didn’t.  
  
So she waited, and watched, and looked for the exact moment when he got in over his head. There was a look that crossed his face (and posture) when it happened – one she recognized from when she had first come through here with Bran. Because Bran got the exact same look when she realized they were in over their heads. And after five minutes of watching him run around flailing in something akin to not-complete-failure, she looked down at her phone.  
  
And Jude dodged out of the first golem’s Muck Throw straight into a second’s Sedimentation. Only to get hit directly in the face with one of the clubbed arms of the first golem directly afterward.  
  
The arm made contact with a sickening crunch, and Jude’s limp body went flying to the side and hit the ground with a distinctly gross splat. And both golems followed the arc of his body like Labrador retrievers after a tennis ball.  
  
_Ah bollocks._  
  
His body, broken head and all, dissipated into the Anima, and Rhiannon sighed and sat down on the bitumen highway. Watched the two golems fuss around where his corpse _had_ been for a few moments before wandering off.  
  
Well, he was going to be pissed when he got back.  
  
She deleted the text she’d been going to send, and wrote a new one.  
  
_**3:05PM – To: Jude Featherdown** – bloody hell. Sorry about that. Definitely thought you had that._  
  
To be fair, he probably _would_ have had it, were it not for the Earthspewer Golem.  
  
A minute later, her phone buzzed.  
  
_**3:06PM – From: Jude Featherdown** – I cannot believe you._  
  
_**3:06PM – To: Jude Featherdown** – It was an accident! I looked away for like two seconds!_  
  
_**3:07PM – From: Jude Featherdown** – YOU LET ME DIE!_  
  
_**3:07PM – From: Jude Featherdown** – I’m on my way back._  
  
Should she go pick him up?  
  
She should probably go pick him up.  
  
And yet…  
  
_Perhaps,_ she thought, _A test of limits. If he’d ask for help or not._  
  
So Rhiannon got comfortable, and dug around in her bag for a moment in search of her other energy drink. It was only five minutes later that she remembered that she’d already drank it earlier that day. Swearing to herself, she leaned back against the guard rail and prepared to suffer.  
  
There was a bingo machine at the airport. It had cola. Cola was caffeinated. Not strongly, but at least a little. Which was really only relevant if there were still sodas in the machine in the first place – or if it were still operational after gods knew how long it’d gone without maintenance. Then again, it wouldn’t be the hardest thing in the world to break into it.  
  
Now if only they could actually get to the bloody airport.  


 

* * *

  
  
“I can’t believe you just let me die.”  
  
_**3:40PM – To: Jude Featherdown** – Bugger off! I told you it was an accident!_  
  
They were slightly closer to the Kingsmouth airport now, and she’d managed to steer him clear of any more golems – once he’d actually gotten back. Which had apparently been a trial of its own.  
  
“And then I had to spend fifteen minutes running back from that stupid well at Journey’s End and getting chased by every goddamned monster between here and there.”  
  
It was hard not to laugh at the mental image she had of Jude running panicked from every zombie, incubator, broodwitch, and mauler along the way – and then having to do it all again because he’d gotten punched into the Anima again when he’d shot too far North and run afoul of the Dunwich Road Horror. Because of course he had.  
  
_**3:42PM – To: Jude Featherdown** – you could have stayed there and I could have come and picked you up. Or taken a less direct route. The second death was your own fault._  
  
“You could have warned me about the golems, you know. Or advised I take a better route.”  
  
Was he even reading her texts? No, no he wasn’t. Because of course he wasn’t. Bloody hell.  
  
She was going to need more caffeine for this.


	2. Look, I Know You’re Excited, But Seriously Mate It’s Not What You Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Prompt:** 002 - Amusement  
>  **Disclaimer:** Do Not Go Into Abandoned And Clearly Haunted Theme Parks. Seriously Just. Don’t.  
>  **Comments:** Further reasons why Rhiannon would be a terrible Bee parent. Also I reran Theme Park Tycoon for this prompt and PS fuck that place??  
> 

 

"We’re going to an amusement park?"  
  
Rhiannon nodded. Jude was clearly excited, and she wasn’t sure how to explain to him just how wrong his preconceptions were here. She’d given up trying to text him information earlier that morning, after he insisted on running after hell spawn without checking his phone.  
  
Did he ever check his phone? Honestly. She’d be better off just getting a large whiteboard to write things on.  
  
"Is it… is it still running?"  
  
_Pal. Mate. Honestly, what do you think? That the apocalypse was going on and people just kept showing up for work to keep a theme park, of all things, open? Oh, this poor twonk._  
  
She wiggled her hand back and forth in a non-committal gesture.  
  
"Kind of?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"What do you mean ‘kind of’? How can it be ‘kind of’ running?"  
  
In exasperation, Rhiannon turned around and signed furiously, "It’s kind of running because no one’s there to run it but it’s haunted as bollocks so that doesn’t bloody matter. Shite just keeps on going."  
  
Jude stopped in his tracks and peered at her, and after a moment his eyebrows shot up. "Wait – Wait I understood that. How did I understand that?"  
  
"Because you’re a Bee. There’s certain stuff you know now – like a lot of languages."  
  
"Holy shit." A grin spread across his face. "So I have even more super powers?"  
  
"Mate, I kept trying to tell you."  
  
Jude stared blankly at her for a moment. "What – what else can I do? Wait – no, I wanted to know about the amusement park."  
  
"The Atlantic Island Theme Park is haunted as shit. This bloke tried to build some… engine thing. It's hard to describe without you just seeing it."  
  
"Alright, lead on. Let's go."  


 

* * *

 

"Wow, I know I haven't even gone in yet, but… wow."  
  
"You're telling me. Now go listen to the old tosser talk so we can get this over with."  


 

* * *

 

"Worst. Daddy issues. Ever."  
  
"Honestly. How many ASBOs do you think he got as a kid?"  
  
"How many what?"  
  
"Nevermind. Probably too rich for that anyways."  


 

* * *

 

"So do you want me to hold back so you can get some combat practice in, or should I just wreck them?"  
  
The Octotron and Sideshow Alley had proved to be terrifying but had been dealt with. They were crouched on a boulder somewhere between Sideshow Alley and the actual entrance of the roller coaster (probably), halfway behind one of its heavy metal support columns, and staring down at a horde of zombie carnies. Because zombies and carnies just weren't bad enough on their own. No – they just had to get mixed together.  
  
For a split second, Rhiannon thought, _There is nothing I have seen that is worse than these wankers._  
  
And yet – no. that was objectively very, very wrong. There was pretty much everything in the Ahnk, and pretty much every weird mutant insect she'd come across, and the entire species of fungal filth, and—well, the list went on. For a long, long time.  
  
"Uh. Lemme go try – I'll yell for help if I need it. Not that I will." The last comment was added as an afterthought, like some half-conscious habitual attempt at bravado. There had been a lot more of that when they'd first met.  
  
She nodded, and watched him go. And true to his bravado, at first he did pretty damned well.  
  
And then more and more kept showing up. Psycho Carnies called Eaters which seemed to draw more Psycho Carnies, and the cycle repeated. Again and again.  
  
"Uh – maybe a little help?"  
  
Rhiannon straightened and dropped into a low stance, hands filling with electricity. It took little to drop the zombie carnies and less to drop the eaters, and eventually there was enough of a break in them that she jumped down from the rock and dragged Jude down the path. Hopefully toward some small spot of safety. Any, really.  
  
Which is when they burst out next to the Octotron. Which is where they had started.  
  
Fuck.  
  
Well, no one ever said she had a good sense of direction.  


 

* * *

 

"AMUSEMENT PARK, MY LEFT NUT. THIS PLACE ISN'T AMUSING AT ALL."  
  
They were running again, this time in the general direction that they needed to go (probably). Next had been the roller coaster, which had not gotten any safer since Rhiannon had first ridden it, but now provided the added bonus of Jude swearing loudly when the inevitable haunting happened. They'd disembarked, and he had declared that he was never setting foot on that again, ever. And upon learning that they were next going to Lover's Lake, Jude had decided to get cheeky again--  
  
_"Lover's Lake? You know you could have just asked back at the convention. You didn't have to drag me all the way out here to get a date."_  
  
\-- Right up until they'd rounded a corner into another hoard of psycho carnies.  
  
At which point Rhiannon had sighed and signed, "Wanna just run? They'll bugger off eventually."  
  
And they had. Eventually.  
  
"This is the worst Lover's Lake I've ever seen. The swans are fucking demonic. There's a dead guy dicking around in the pagoda and a giant ass mud golem in the lake. Oh – and there's _no goddamned water in the lake._ How in hell is it a lake if there's no water? How?!"  
  
"Just go kill the golem so we can get on with this."

 

* * *

 

"So uh. Now that it's dead.. How the hell do I get back out of this fuckpit?"  
  
"There's a dirt ramp up over there."  
  
"Good. It's fucking disgusting down here. Hard as shit to move, too."  
  
"I was going to warn you not to throw yourself down there but… then you kind of already had."  
  
For once, it was Jude shooting Rhiannon a withering stare.

 

* * *

 

  
"What's so bad about a Ferris Wheel? Yeah it's a little run down but—"  
  
And he went flying. The connection between Jude's body and the deck of the Ferris Wheel's platform resounded with a hollow thud. He lay there for a moment looking up at the sky before Rhiannon stepped over and looked down at him.  
  
"That."  
  
As he pulled himself up, he grumbled, "You could have warned me about _that_ , too."

 

* * *

 

"You know, I'm kind of surprised we haven't run into any killer clowns in here. We've run into just about everything else."  
  
Rhiannon shot Jude the brightest smile she could manage – against all of her feelings about the fucking bumper cars – and signed, "Well, buddy, do I have a surprise for you!"  
  
And the suspicious look on his face _almost_ made going into the bumper cars worth it. Almost.

 

* * *

 

 

"I have a suggestion – how about we never go in there again?"  
  
Rhiannon suppressed a cruel grin. "You know, he has several more things for you to do."  
  
Jude stared at her for a long, desperate moment, and then finally realized that she was entirely serious.  
  
"FUCK!"


	3. It’s Not Going To Happen, Seriously Stop Trying To Make It Happen

 

**Prompt:**  003 - Denial

**Disclaimer:** “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

**Comments:** I’ve had the idea for this prompt on my board fucking forever

 

* * *

 

 

 

"I'm guessing the black house is… That one!"

Jude stood in the center of the ring of newly-fallen rotting corpses and gestured with one bloody hand at the burnt out house. The rising sun, filtering through the trees behind him, silhouetted his pointing form into a rather dramatic tableau - a fact of which Rhiannon was entirely certain he was acutely aware. He held the pose for a moment, and then dropped it and shot his companion a grin.

"Am I right? Want to know how I knew?" He was like a puppy. An overly excited puppy.

Rhiannon nodded to the first question, barely avoiding rolling her eyes at the second, and then slid her shotgun back onto her back. Hands free, she signed, "Is it because it's the only black house on this entire island?"

"Because it's burnt. And burnt things are black. Like coal." And there - there was the shit eating grin she'd been dreading. Without waiting for her to go ahead, he jogged off across the dilapidated front yard. "It's haunted, right? I love it. Can I live here? I'm going to live here."

And he was aiming straight for the front steps.

Well. They'd just have to see how that went.

He glanced back just long enough for her to sign, "Sure. Go right on in." And then ran full tilt up to the front steps and--

Rhiannon could feel the pulse of magic as his foot landed on the first step, and without warning Jude's startled form was blasted back, soaring over Rhiannon's shoulder in a less than graceful arc. He landed flat on his back in the leaves with a heavy thud and a throaty woosh of air leaving his lungs - and laid there, blinking up at the canopy of trees overhead.

The blast wasn't strong enough to seriously injure a bee, Rhiannon knew from experience. The worst it could do on it's own was knock the breath out of them, or, as the case may be, give them a bit of a startle.

She waited a few moments before jogging the several steps over to Jude, and looked down at the flabbergasted expression plastered across his face. After another few moments of silence (between the two, at least - to the south Rhiannon could hear the groaning and squelching of rotting corpses, and there was the ever-present calls of carrion birds), he flicked his gaze to her.

"You knew it was going to do that."

Rhiannon nodded.

"Right. Ok. Of course." And he pulled himself back up, straightening his clothes and brushing leaves out of his hair. "So we still gotta get in there, yeah? Alright, let's try this again."

She halfheartedly signed, "Wait." after him, but he up and off again.

Rhiannon watched him throw himself at the barrier three more times before she rolled her eyes and made her way around the side of the house to the back porch. Bren had shown her the way to get in, first by demonstrating what happened with the front steps and then drawing her around to the back and climbing through the broken section of the railing. She'd helped pull Rhiannon up into the house that first time - just as she'd helped with so many other firsts.

Now, the back porch didn't feel so tall.

The Black House wasn't difficult to navigate, but Rhiannon went slow, testing for potential new weak spots in the burnt floor. Miraculously, there weren't any, and just crossing through the downstairs wasn't enough to piss off the ghost - the largest danger, it seemed, was of Jude's doing. Every time he hit the barrier and was thrown back, the atmospheric pressure inside shifted, and each time her ears would pop and there would be a second of dizziness and she would need to stop for a few moments until it passed. It only got worse as she got closer to the front, and by the time she was standing on the front porch, maybe an arm-span behind the barrier, she had the faintest of tension headaches from clenching and un-clenching her jaw.

Jude was midway through a sprint at the barrier when he looked up and saw her, losing his momentum and coming to a stop just before the steps.

"What the fuck. How did you get in?"

Rhiannon rolled her eyes, and gestured behind her.

"... Wait, is this not how I'm supposed to get in?"

She shook her head.

"... Oh."  

"Go around back." she signed.

Jude took a few steps back and looked the house over, leaning to his right a bit before rolling back on his heels. "Huh. Alright." He took two steps to the right - and then paused again. "Well. One more time."

And then threw himself back into the barrier.


End file.
